Unreasonable F@#%ing Expectations

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done.” ~Serenity Prayer

*

“I can clearly see what role they've played, but I'm having trouble figuring out MY role in these resentments,” I told him.

“Hmmm... How about unreasonable expectations of others?” he replied, “Often times we set our expectations of other people higher than we set our expectations of ourselves.”

“Ok. I can see that for some,” I said, “but what about my mother and father? Is it unreasonable for a child to expect his parent's to live up to their responsibilities? I didn't ask to be brought into this world only to be abandoned.”

“That's in God's hands," he replied, "Is it reasonable for you to expect that it should have been done differently?”

“No," I sighed.

"I'm sure they did what they thought was best at the time. And, I did the same thing when it was my turn. My son lived with my mother until he was five-years-old,” I stated, even though he already knew, “She saved him from being adopted by strangers because I didn't live up to my responsibilities. He would have grown up not even five miles from me, and I never would have even known him.”

“We cannot control the actions of other people, places, or things. No matter how hard we may try, the only thing in this life that we have any real control over is ourselves,” he said, “When it comes to the actions of other people, places, or things, all WE can do is control the way WE react to them.”

“So, no unreasonable expectations of others, only higher expectations of myself,” I said, “I think I've got it, but I'm not sure I can do it. It's human nature to expect other people to behave in a certain way. That would be like asking me to stop dreaming and just give up hope.”

“That's why we strive for progress, not perfection. You may not be able to stop yourself from being disappointed from time to time, but you can change the way you react to that disappointment,” he said.

“True,” I said.

“Pray on it. See what you come up with,” was his last advice.

Then, we said our goodbye's and I hung up the phone. I left the house to go for a walk. As I set out, I took a long, deep breath. The cool night air always had a way of helping me relax and concentrate. I could smell the forest and almost taste the damp leaves on the trees all around me.

There had really been something else on my mind when I called him. I was disappointed about a relationship that I wasn't looking for, but that had come into my life regardless. I couln't bring myself to tell him that though because I didn't want to hear what he'd have to say.

He'd lecture me again, “You're not ready for a relationship yet. Until you take the time to heal yourself, you have nothing to offer anyone else.”

Thinking about that made me angry. I knew he was right. I had known the answer the whole time. It had been whispering in the back of my mind only I kept pushing it out.

No, no. Anything but that, I told myself.

I started to run. I cursed at the sky, "If I'm not ready, then why has this been put in my lap? I was doing just fine until this," but the voice wouldn't leave me alone.

“Let it go,” it said, “Just let it go.”